Canada however, you imagine a nice friendly place - after all, I’m sure they bill themselves as the “nice version” of the USA (or maybe they don’t and that’s Southpark teaching me that).

What I can tell you with 100% certainty though, is that image is a load of bollocks, 100 million percent.

But why? I shall explain.

So I land yesterday at Ottawa airport after an hour long trip from New York on what can only be described as the smallest plane in existence, which in a way was kinda cool, just a shame there was no where to put my hand luggage.

Anyway, I’m at the front of the plane, so I can quickly escape once it’s landed and get through customs before everyone else to meet Ashley… however, that was not meant to be.

The first bit is simple enough; hand my passport over, get asked a few basic questions and then wait for the stamp. “You need to go into the immigration office and they can stamp you in” I’m told. Again, simple enough, but, this is where things start to go wrong.

I head into the immigration office, where the following conversation with the Immigration Officer ensues:

Me: Hello
Her: Hello, what is your purpose in Canada?
Me: I’ve come to see my friend Ashely
Her: What is her surname?
Me: erm, nuts, ah yes, Wright
Her: And her address?
Me: No idea, she lives in London, but is staying here with her parents
Her: And she is your girlfriend?
Me: No, just friend.
Her: And how do you know her?
Me: We met in Japan, we both taught English there.
Her: And what’s her date of birth?
Me: Erm, huh? I .. don’t know.
Her: Well how old is she?
Me: Er, not sure, maybe 23 or 24?
Her: And what does she do?
Me: Oh she’s at Uni, but working part time at Starbucks at the moment.
Her: And which Uni is she at?
Me: Err…
Her: What subject does she study?
Me: Err…
Her: Ok - so where will you stay?
Me: In the old prison hostel.
Her: Who booked it?
Me: Her
Her: I see, why don’t you just stay at her house?
Me: Oh, she has an evil stepmom and didn’t want me to
Her: Ok, So what things do you want to see in Ottawa?
Me: Well, Ashley.
Her: Apart from Ashely, what else?
Me: Nothing really, I just came to see her.
Her: Can you name anything famous in Ottawa?
Me: Err…
Her: What about your job, what do you do?
Me: Web designer.
Her: So you can work from anywhere?
Me: (Slowly) Yes.
Her: So you can work from Canada?
Me: In theory.
Her: Do you have any current work on?
Me: No.
Her: Right - how many bags do you have with you?
Me: 2, one here and one on the belt.
Her: Ok, if you go get your one of the belt and come back here with it.
Me: Ok

So off I go to get it and on my return she tells me to “follow her” and I am taken into a seperate room where a male immigration officer is there.

Him: Ok, if you just put your bags up here, just need to give them a quick search.
Me: Sure

He then proceeds to look through my suitcase, paying particular attention to my lucky pig.

Him: What’s this? A lucky mascot?
Me: Yes, I take it everywhere.

Then continues to go through everything else, all the time asking exactly the same questions as the first woman.

Him: So what do you do?
Me: Webdesigner.
Him: For a company or yourself?
Me: Myself
Him: Do you have any business cards?
Me: No
Him: Do you have a website?
Me: Yes
Him: What is it?
Me: inetfx.net

He then uses him computer a loads up the homepage and starts asking various questions about it, how long have I been doing it, where are the servers, how many clients etc etc, before continuing on.

Him: So you are here to visit your friend Ashley?
Me: Yes
Him: So did you come to marry her?
Me: Huh? No, just a friend!!!
Him: I see…
Me: Why? Does this happen a lot?!?!
Him: Yes, many people come here to meet a woman off the internet for the first time - and it doesn’t work out well.

?!!?

He then switches attention over to my laptop, “can you turn it on and log it in please” … so I do.

And now comes the bit I am most angry about - he then starts a complete search of the computer, including doing the following:

• Logging into my Facebook account and checking my inbox
• Logging into my Tagged account, checking my friends list and then going into the inbox
• Searching through all my browser history
• Loading up Outlook and checking emails
• Loading up MSN Messenger and READING through my chat history
• Loading up my “My Pictures” folder and browsing through all my photos
• Looking through my “My Documents” folder and opening random files

And then coming out with the best question EVER: “Do you have any hentai movies on here?”

WHAT THE FUCK?!

I said no, but why? What did it matter if I did. He told me they are illegal in Canada. I asked why? And was told that anything that depicts younger women and/or violent sex is an offence to own here. He said I wouldn’t be arrested, but they would delete it if they found it.

Him: So if I run a scan on this PC, nothing will come up?
Me: No

So he did …. but of course nothing came up (lucky I left my portable HD at home, hahaha)

Finally, after 45 minutes of checking through everything, he said that was ok and then asked to see my cellphone and camera, which were both checked through - although I had just replaced the memory card, so not much really on there.

And then, at last, I was free to go.

But seriously, what the fuck. How can they have the right to go through all my personal files like that? It should have been pretty obvious from all the asian porn links in my history that I most definitely was not in Canada to hook up with a white girl? And who does that anyway!??! Leave from the UK to go live in Canada???

Bollocks to coming here again if I need to go through all that for a second time!!

So what has prompted this return to all things blog? Well, a few reasons actually.

1. Last year was mad, I actually did so many things and it would be silly to forget all about them. Admittedly, the memories have already started to fade a bit (getting older, lol) – but it would be nice to keep a run down.
2. Increasingly I am finding myself sitting around bored, a writing hobby will be good for me – I intend to try and do one entry a week (or bi-weekly at the least)
3. And possibly the most important reason of all – to try and reclaim my English ability. My language skills (of my own language…) have gone to crap. When the only people you really communicate with are using pigeon English, you start to use it too – and do this for 3 years and you’re in a whole world of trouble. So hopefully by starting to write again, I’ll become more articulate once more

Where to start then, well, seeing as the year just began, it might be good to start of with my resolutions – of course, there is no guarantee that I will achieve any of them, but it’s nice to make a list…

News Years Resolutions for 2010

1. Fly on 50 planes this year. Actually, I might as well bump this up to 52, bringing me to an average of 1 a week. That sounds like a lot (well I guess it is) – but I did manage 38 last year, which is only 14 shy … just need to add in 1 extra a month.
2. Take up one of either : Learning the guitar or Learning a Marshal Art.
3. Properly study one of my languages. Easiest one to do would be Japanese, however Chinese is on my list of possibilities – possibly even Thai seeing as I will be living there.

2009 – A year in pictures

So let’s begin….

January : New York, Boston and Chicago

The year had barely begun before I was on my first plane, a Virgin Atlantic flight bound for New York. It was quite exciting as it would be my first time in America since my holiday there when I was 16 – and also my first ever time to the East Coast.

Apart from the cooker on the plane breaking, thus ensuring I had a nice supply of cold food, the flight was pretty uneventful and I landed in fairly good spirits. US Customs soon killed that though, after making me wait almost 2 hours in a queue just to get into the stupid country (I would discover later on in the year that this is perfectly normal .. NOTE TO READERS – always allow 4 hours for a transfer….)

The apartment we were staying in was AMAZING. A huge place which looked absolutely fantastic and right near to Central Park, even with its own kitchen!

The next few days were of course then spend walking around the capital and seeing what sights were on offer, in between eating ridiculously massive meals of course…..

Before all too long though, time was up, and we had to jump on a bus to Boston and so began the beginning of our snowy adventure….

However, we were actually only there for one night …. lol … and had to be up super early the next day to get the plane to Chicago, which, if you thought Boston was snowy, totally kicked ass in terms of white levels…

The snow actually got my return flight cancelled, but, BA very kindly offered a support flight which only got my total journey delayed by about 6 hours or so. Not really too bad, as it meant I got one last meal in a local sports bar

February : UK and Japan

Snow was beginning to become a common theme this year, as Feb kicked off with a massive snowfall in England!! Yes, I kid you not. So unprepared was everyone for this, that the country was brought to a standstill with public transport being cancelled left, right and centre, along with most people just taking the day off work and going up to the park (good on them I say!)

This only lasted a few days though and luckily didn’t affect my flights out – a good thing too as I was on my way back to Japan for a reunion with my good chums Ashley, Francesco and Chris – AKA the Osaka Crew

March : Hong Kong and India

I had got wind of a wedding party going on in HK with my dear chinese chums and not being one to miss a wedding party, made sure I was on a flight over there in order to meet up with everyone. It was a fantastic trip, met loads of great new people, played lots of dice games, saw the horse racing at Happy Valley, got to go over to Macau for some gambling, down to the beach for a BBQ and also to sit in the news desk at Bloomberg!

Straight after HK it was my turn to be the host, as a few of my chums flew back on the same airline as me to come and visit Taipei. They only had 3 days, but we made the most of it and I’m pretty confident to say they left with some good memories.

However I had barely been back in Taiwan a week or so before it was time to leave the country once more for yet another wedding. This time it was Zak’s Wife’s Brother’s turn to get hitched, so off to Ahmadabad I was sent (a journey which from door-to-door took 36 hours!?!?!) – though not before meeting a new friend working in the business class lounge at BKK – say hello to Mint

I’m not quite if I can accurately describe the whole India trip in words. In short, it’s so much better than Pakistan, though I’m not sure why we need to bribe almost everyone to let me do almost anything…, Indian’s don’t mind having a hornet’s nest in the toilet, McDonalds is rubbish there and most of all, despite the fact you can cram 12 people in a 9 seater car – it most definitely isn’t comfortable!!!

April : Thailand

After an amazing 2 weeks in India, I hopped back on the plane to Bangkok and then onto a connection to Koh Samui, where I would get to revisit the glorious “Green Mango” as well as head out to the monthly full moon party.

Now one thing I totally need to mention is Koh Samui airport. It is the best airport in the whole world. Billing itself as a “Boutique Airport” – it looks like little beach huts, has free food, free drinks, free newspapers and free internet! Next time I go there, I’ll be sure to check in a few hours early just to make the most of it – you even get taken to the plane on a little train!

I had been talking with Mint over email for the time I was in India and she had agreed to pick me up from Bangkok airport when I got back. Thus, I was whisked away from the airport in a very nice BMW and off on the freeway to Pattaya where we’d decided to go for a mini trip.

Walking Street was a very lively place with plenty of GoGo bars to see, however we stuck to more traditional entertainment and we to see a very good Philippine live band. Also met a few more friends there – bonus

The next day we went to the Pattaya Tower to zip wire down it before finally heading back to the big city.

Of course then it was back to Taipei – but it’s always so hard to leave Thailand…. too many memories like this …

Ok so technically it isn’t the start of a new year, but it’s the first time I have blogged in 2009 – so let’s just pretend it is.

I’ve realised that I’ve been missing great opportunities over the last year to tell some fantastic stories – after all – I’ve been all over Asia so should have loads to pass on … which I did, but I’ve now forgotten … DOH!

So anyway, here is my promise to you people – I will try and get an item a week uploaded into my space here, maybe it won’t be a lot, but it will be something – and as it’s all hooked into the new Windows Live Gallery, I can get some pictures with it too!

Today is Sunday and tomorrow I go to Hong Kong – thus there should be something cool to write about for next week’s entry … until then … take it easy!

I put off going to the hospital as long as possible, but yesterday after almost colapsing after walking down the street - it seemed it could be put off no longer, so I headed to the Ren Ai branch of the Taipei Hospital system.

I was a bit apprehensive as I don’t have any medical insurance and was worried it was going to cost a bomb, however they assured me it wouldn’t and that I’d be able to see a doctor shortly.

True to their word, only a minute or so passed until I got ushered to a doctors lounge type thing where I was asked my symptoms:

• Severe nausea
• Breathing difficulty
• Fast heart rate
• Stuffy head
• Fever
• Sweating all the time
• General crap feeling

He wrote these down and from this point, we shall pick up the conversation:

Dr: Do you use a computer a lot?
Me: Yes
Dr: How often?
Me: Every day.
Dr: How many years ago did you first start to use a computer?
Me: About 20
Dr: The computer has made you sick.

Yes, you read that correctly - infact, I’ll write it again in bold and big:

THE COMPUTER HAS MADE YOU SICK

Yes - I have caught a computer virus and all my sickness are indeed belong to them! The Dr said it, so it must be true….

So what next? Well I’ve been given 4 bags of medicine which I’m very doubtful about whether they will work, but hey, we’ll give them a chance - after all, you only have to read online to know how dangerous these computer virus’ can be….

End of.

If we go back to 2003 - this looks cool, but used to run when I’d sweat and was a pain to do (as you had to align it to the spikes)

So then nothing happened for like a million years after that, until I got back to the UK at the beginning of this year and bought some proper blue dye. It said for best results to bleach first, but I wasn’t happy with that, so just applied it without.

It definitely did something, but not quite what I had hoped for:

You can’t see it very well in that light, but it sorta went a bluey-greyish colour - I actually thought it looked pretty cool, but then it went and washed out after 2 or 3 days.

After that I kinda gave up - although I wanted to do the bleaching, I was worried that if it looked rubbish I’d be stuck with it for ages. And that is when the solution appeared!

Whilst wandering around the Tokyu store in Bangkok, I found a spray on colour in exactly the blue I wanted! Hurrah! So now I could test what it would look like, without having the worry of it was terrible, I’d be stuck with it.

Therefore (and ignore the patchiness - I couldn’t quite get it even) ….

That’s more like it! Fantastic result and definitely passes the “I like it blue” test.

Now I just need to order some more of the original colouring, a little tube of bleach and away we go!

Watch this space!

Indeed you would be forgiven in thinking I only had worn one pair for the last 6 years or so - however that’s not quite true.

Basically, many moons ago - Gowry’s family bought me a pair of Accupuncture Gingy Poc shoes for christmas, which I absolutely loved. So much in fact, that when they finally wore out - I just purchased another pair of the same.

This even continued on after I moved abroad - basically when I returned for my yearly pilgrimidge, I simply went online and bought the same ones again - and again - and again - until rather unfortunately, last year’s trip - when I was horrified to discover that they aren’t made anymore.

Instead of going for something different, I just decided to keep the current ones going as long as possible - and even after the bottom fell off (and was stuck back on with superglue) I continued to wear them.

Of course, then typhoon season hit - and the good old Gingy’s weren’t quite up for the challenge of torrential rain, letting in almost any liquid that hit it - plus they now looked awful with the insides actually having rotted away.

It was time for action.

I had planned to pick up some new sneakers in Japan, however, much to my dismay (and annoyance) - Japanese people don’t seem to go higher than a size 28 which mean, despite MUCH searching - it was impossible to find anything - thus Taiwan it would have to be.

So tonight was shoe shopping night and off to Shilin Market I headed. I had really just been looking for some basic converse stylee’s - however after wandering into one particular shoe emporium, these fancy pair of Puma’s caught my eye.

Definitely not the style I would normally go for - but at least I would be able to get into an stylish events now - haha.

Anyway, I couldn’t wait to be rid of the old ones, so got the store to throw them away (along with the new box) and wore the new ones from then on.

Story should end here right - and I wish it did - however sadly there’s a bit more.

Basically, after walking around the market for another 30 minutes - it was becoming increasingly noticeable that the left shoe was too small, as my foot was really starting to cramp up I’m going to give them a chance to break in, but being sneakers, it’s not like there’s much to flex up.

Thus it could be that I’ve just basically wasted £30 - booo .. and all for the want of needing a size 31 over a 30.

Gash.

Since I finished my last big project and Ting-Ying started at her fulltime job, the daytimes became pretty boring so I’ve been looking for ways to try and fill the void as it were.

Luckily, quite a nice solution appeared - which not only gives me something to go out the house for, but also gives my brain a bit of a workout too - always useful!

Near my house is a restaurant slash cafe called The Diner, which is an american style spin-off of, well, a diner (obviously). It’s not like the ones you see in the movies (brash furniture, a long counter to sit at) - but more of a cosy cafe style place - with your usual tables and sofa chairs - but also some armchairs against little tables up by the window.

Indeed it’s the armchairs I am most interested in, as I can stroll in at about 2pm (after the lunch rush) - get a nice armchair by the window, order my “all day pancake breakfast” and then happily read a book for a few hours, whilst drinking endless cups of coffee - bliss.

“Pancake breakfast?” you say - yes indeedy, popular with the Yanks, though never really caught on in the UK (except for in McDonalds and on special occasions with Mum’s “Special Breakfast”). I could write a nice long passage on how delicious it is, however instead I think it’s much easier just to show you a photo ….. mmmmmmm

Just to fill in the details - what you see are: 2 pancakes, 2 sausages, hash brown, scrambled eggs, some banana, whipped butter and lashings of maple syrup. Washed down with an orange juice and infinite coffee, all for a rather reasonable 220NT$ (that’s what, £3.50 or so).

As for my choice of literature, it varies - but generally I’m reading through my old stock of Ben Elton books I have. There is a local library however just down the road, which Ting-Ying is going to join so I can get some new material out on her card. They have a large section of Tom Clancy for some reason, but I’ve heard so much about him that I feel I should give one a go.

So anyway, that’s lunchtime covered - how does the rest of my day you might wonder. Basically, I’ll head back home at around 5/6ish and either catch up on email, or any issues that have popped up with the servers or the forum until about 8 o’clock when my dearly beloved gets home and we can either go eat, go movies or just a walk in the park.

The night’s entertainment will run until maybe 1am or so when she’ll then fall asleep - leaving me up until 4 or 5 working on the forum or generally just arsing about online. It is my aim to try and fix my sleeping pattern to lock in with hers, except then I will just have longer in the daytime on my own with nothing to do ….

Saying that though, once I get back from Japan - there is a massive forum upgrade which needs to happen so will take up quite a lot of time. Even more so than a normal upgrade would, as once I’ve finished - I have no excuse no to add in all the other extras the forum needs (at the moment doing it isn’t feasible you see as I’d have to repeat them all again apres-upgrade!)

So there you have it - basically my life in a few paragraphs - certainly not the most exciting of lives, however for everyone who knows me, will probably agree it’s just how I’d like to be

Of course, as part of the updates - it meant I finally updated the software for the blog, so I feel I should start writing something again!

The biggest news is that I’m actively trying to fix my sleeping pattern - this has been uber tough as although I’m managing the wake up earlier (just!) - my body still can’t sleep to get the “go to bed earlier” bit, meaning I’m absolutely knackered every day

Infact, fuck it - I’m way too sleepy to write anything constructive today - I’ll set next Monday as the blog update day, yes, that’s a good idea - next Monday

So all that’s left to say is …enjoy the weekend, hurrah!

Last December I returned, again, I also thought it was a good place, though the prices seemed a little higher this time.

And now let’s roll into now … after living in Taiwan for almost a year, a return to the Tech Island and what do we think?

OH MY GOD IT’S EXPENSIVE HERE!

It’s funny really how everything is put into perspective. Living in Japan made me believe that prices in Asia were almost on-par with the UK (albiet a little cheaper), technology certainly wasn’t cheap there - which was why coming to Hong Kong was also a refreshing change.

But alas, Taiwan has really blown that magic out of the water. No longer is HK the place to come to buy cheap electrical items, hell, I can get them cheaper at the electronics store next to my house (AND it’s a chain store!!).

Going out for food too … yikes! Walking around last night, I wanted to go back to the Indian I found so favourable last christmas. I remembered the location well enough, up the big hill - and indeed there it was. What I hadn’t remembered so well however was the sky high pricing - 3 pounds 50 for a curry and chips, plus 70p for a can of sprite .. WTF?!?

Maybe I’m just being spoilt living in Taiwan (ha, never thought I’d say that!) - but what I do know is, coming back home is going to be a reality check and a half (just how much is a London bus these days anyway, I’m sure it’s not going to beat the 22p of Taipei!)

Actually, just to end this on a happy note - I’m delighted to inform you all that the game centers haven’t increased in price - thus I’m still able to go and play all the latest games for a mere 6p a shot …. bliss!

(That reminds me, it’s still 16 HKD to the pound - impressive seeing as everywhere else in Asia the pound has crashed - the poor pound vs TWD rate dropped from 67 to a miserable 60!! Although that in itself is a bit of good news, it was 58 at one point!!!)